The Honey Moon

We are alone at last. I legally possess her. There is nothing to stop me from doing what I’ve always dreamt of doing every night and day. But I cannot bring myself to approach her.

I am watching her as she places three garment bags, a laundry sack and shoe bag for both of us in the wardrobe. I’m watching her as she places a jewelry pouch, cosmetic and toiletry cases on the table next to our bed.

She is wearing an open white dress that suits her shapely figure. She then goes for a long bath.

When she finally comes out, she is in her long pink towel. She sits down and looks at the things she has placed on the table in silence. I decide to go and take a long shower.

“I’m going to hide somewhere. I can’t sleep here with Chris!” she thinks to herself. She opens her suitcase and pulls out a big doll. She carefully puts it under the bed clothes and then she gets out a pair of jeans and t-shirt to put on quickly.

She runs out of the room and looks for a place to sit. She finds a place by the swimming pool and sits down to watch Afrigo band.

When I come back to the room, I am surprised to find the lights off.

There is a moonlight coming through the unshuttered windows.

I do not notice Loretta’s absence until I have entered bed.

I feel excited and scared at the same time.

I stretch out one hand slowly. The feeling I get is so unexpected that I jump up with a start.

It is on my second touch that I realize why the skin is hard and tough. I grab the annoying doll and exclaim, “Tina! What are you doing here in place of my beautiful wife?”

Do My Ladies Think Alike?

She must be in bed by now but I feel like calling her. It is half past midnight. Who calls people at such an odd hour?

“I am failing to sleep. Can’t stop thinking about you.” Read my text message to her.

Sure enough she replied. “Ha, ha, ha. I thought its Ruby you think about all the time. Anyway, good night.”

“You know it is you I love.” Read another.

“Oh, well. We’ve been through this before, Chris.” She replied.

“Goodnight, Sam.”

“Goodnight, Chris. I hope you are not angry. I still value your friendship, you know.”

Just then, a strange thing happened. I received an identical message word for word but this time it was from Ruby and yet she has never met Sam.

I freaked out.

A Great Evening

Interesting lady, pretty, quiet, sweet voice and restful eyes. I never tire of listening to her or watching her shy face.

I enjoy her company.

I want to be with her all the time but she had to go back to her prim and proper house and I to my shabby one.

As I drove her home along that dusty Kisaasi road, I wanted to touch her but she is not mine. I wish she could love me the way I love her. I know she cannot. She will always look at me as her brother. Damn this brotherhood!

I walked her to her door and as we said bye, I wanted to hug her but I chose not to. I did not trust myself to pull away if I did. I could see she wanted to say something but decided against it.

“Do you want me to go?”

“Yes, Chris,” she said. “Thank you for a great evening. Good night.”

“Good night, Sam.”

And I left.

You thought what? I left and that's it.

Ruby & Camila

I thought that by befriending Ruby, Camila’s best friend, I would learn more about Camila and get closer to her. Little did I know that Ruby had a crash on me. For this reason, she had no intention of helping me get closer to her friend.

I discovered this when I realized that Camila was not getting any of my messages sent through her best friend.

When I confronted Ruby about this, she claimed that I had a thing for her too simply because I used to ask her out. Yet on these outings, we were always talking about Camila. In fact Ruby is the one that often began the conversations by asking ‘How is your sweetheart Camila?’ Now, to go around and say that I had a thing for her! Ladies!

Camila and I met yesterday and she accused me of not being serious. That I seemed not to be committed in our relationship and that she is breaking up with me. It turns out that it is because I rarely called or sent her any text messages and did the contrary for Ruby. However, it is Ruby who discouraged me from calling and sending Camila text messages saying that she did not like men who did that.

Now Ruby is encouraging me to go back to Camila and try to persuade her to give me another chance. Much as I still love Camila, I can never go back to a girl who has dumped me. How can I, Chris Baraka, the African King go back to a girl that has decided to leave me? By the time she reached the decision, she must have thought it through and if I went back, she is bound to throw me out again.

University of Marriage

~ TWO-YEAR DEGREE FOR MEN ~

This is for those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men should be trained for marriage. A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Marriage that many of you should be interested in. That's right, in just six semesters, you too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Spring Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Summer Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting In at 3am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Fall Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Spring Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
(See Electives Below)

Summer Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honestly, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Fall Schedule:
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

COURSE ELECTIVES
EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

A Letter to the Tech Support

I hate forwards with a passion but this one really had me cracking up:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem among men.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.Best of luck,Tech Support